


(do not) let the universe regret you

by bulletthestars



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Animal Play, Blow Jobs, Infidelity, M/M, Orgasm Denial, Phone Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-16
Updated: 2014-02-17
Packaged: 2018-01-12 16:48:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1192530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bulletthestars/pseuds/bulletthestars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Lewis moves to Japan for his job, all Nico wants is to make their long distance relationship work. But things never go the way you want them to, and Nico ends up cheating on Lewis with Jenson – Lewis' best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. (do not) let the universe regret you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wraysford](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wraysford/gifts).



> [fanmix to listen to as you read](http://8tracks.com/afterthedance/do-not-let-the-universe-regret-you).

Summer is Nico sitting in the kitchen with his hair clinging to his face, damp with perspiration even as the electric fan blows directly at him. He's got a can of diet Coke in his hand and Lewis is sitting across him, with a box of Krispy Kreme between them. Lewis licks the icing sugar off his fingers before reaching for another doughnut.

'So, um, about moving in,' Nico begins.

'Right.' Lewis takes a bite of his doughnut, making sure not to look at Nico. 'About that. Actually, uh, I've got something to tell you.'

Nico stills, can placed at his lips. He doesn't drink, doesn't quite dare to do anything really. They've discussed this before, in bits and pieces. Nico has to leave his flat in less than a week, he needs a new place to stay and had he misinterpreted what Lewis had said? Hadn't he said that moving in would be the next logical step in their relationship, given that they've been together for years, since their first year in university? Or something to that effect, Nico doesn't really remember now.

'I'm moving to Japan.'

'What?'

Lewis winces. 'My job. Thought I'd gotten a promotion. They're sending me to Osaka instead.' He stuffs the rest of the doughnut into his mouth, chewing noisily. 'Okay maybe it's a promotion. I don't know, man.'

'You're leaving,' Nico says slowly, putting down his can of drink. 'When?'

'Next week.' Lewis looks up at Nico, and his face falls when he sees Nico's expression. 'Shit. I meant to tell you, I just... I didn't know if I could even leave just like this and you're moving out and I didn't know how to say it and. God, I fucked up.'

'How long?'

'They told me last month-'

'No, how long will you be gone?'

'Two years, at least.'

'Two years,' Nico echoes. 'You're leaving for two years and you tell me only a week before-'

'We'll work it out,' Lewis says hurriedly, cutting Nico off. 'Come on, we always have. Remember when you went back to Germany-'

'That was only for a semester-'

'We got through that-'

'You'd already known I was leaving months before I left-'

'It'll be fine,' Lewis says, with a sort of finality. Like it's the end of their argument but this isn't even an argument. All Nico's doing is just looking at Lewis, wounded, voice strained as he clenches his fist. 'Don't be angry-'

'I'm not,' Nico answers, but he sounds petulant, and it isn't even how he wanted it to be. He isn't angry, he's just... Disappointed. 'I just thought... I thought we could live together and now we're not going to and-'

'I'm sorry,' Lewis says quietly. He reaches for Nico's hand, and Nico swallows hard as Lewis squeezes it because he wants to pull away instead.

 

It takes two days before the news really sinks in for Nico. Lewis will be leaving for two years. He's going to move into Lewis' flat, he's going to have Lewis' old room to himself. Without Lewis.

_We'll work it out_.

They've been together for so long. They've gone through so much together. What's a nine hour time difference and the distance between them?

 

Lewis' flatmate is, according to Nico, an annoying git. He's also Lewis' best friend from secondary school, and sometimes Nico doesn't even get why they're friends. Nico had thought of Jenson as an insufferable idiot when they had first met, and Jenson had mocked him, calling him 'Britney' after the time he had gotten drunk when they had gone out for karaoke and had ended up dancing and singing 'Oops… I did it again' at the top of his voice. The nickname stuck, much to Nico's chagrin. But the years had gone by and first impressions changed, and now Jenson's helping to carry cartons of Nico's stuff into the flat he shares with Lewis.

'So it'll be just you and me from now on eh, Britney?' Jenson asks with a cheeky grin on his face. They're having yakisoba and handrolls in the kitchen, taking a break before they get back to shifting Lewis' cartons out of the way to make space for Nico's things.

Nico rolls his eyes, but he smiles nonetheless. 'Seems like it,' he says and from the corner of his eye, he sees Lewis, silently picking at his noodles.

 

Lewis' flight is at 1930 hours on a Saturday evening, but Nico is sitting in Lewis' old room, unpacking and arranging his things instead of sending Lewis off. Lewis hasn't been close to his family since he left university, but when his father calls to say they want to see him off, Lewis isn't one to say no. And well, Lewis hasn't exactly told his family about his relationship with Nico and if anything, now would hardly be the time to drop the bomb. So Nico stays behind, briefly hugging Lewis before he leaves.

Jenson pokes his head into the room, asking if Nico wants to order pizza for dinner or eat out, and Nico tells him that he's fine with whatever Jenson chooses. So Jenson gets him out of the flat and they have tom yum goong at a Thai restaurant four blocks away, and Nico ends up downing glass after glass of water because it's far too spicy.

 

It starts with Skype calls on weekends, with some texts from time to time. They talk on Facebook too, sometimes before Nico leaves for university in the morning, sometimes at odd hours in the night. Nico misses Lewis – sometimes he sees something that reminds him of Lewis and he wants to text him immediately, only to remember that Lewis is probably sleeping and he wouldn't want to wake him up. So he saves it for the weekend but, when the conversation finally starts, it slips Nico's mind and he's left thinking that there was something he should've said every time he hangs up, but it never comes to mind.

 

It's difficult not to get close to your flatmate, especially when said flatmate is someone you've known for quite a while. Nico hadn't exactly been around Jenson in the past – he had been drawn into his orbit only with Lewis but now that he's around Jenson more, he doesn't understand why they hadn't really talked before. It's easy to fall into conversation with Jenson, especially when they both wake up at ridiculous times in the morning to watch Formula 1 races, and Jenson's always got a bag of crisps ready before Nico even asks.

Jenson helps Nico unpack when he isn't at work. It's usually during the weekends and really, Nico knows he shouldn't let Jenson do this but Jenson's _Jenson_ – he just makes his way to where Nico's sitting, cross-legged on the floor and slowly sorting through his things. He stays there, just like he belongs, and Nico can hardly bring himself to chase Jenson away. That is, until Jenson finds a pair of kitty ears amidst one of the cartons.

'So, Britney. You. A kitten.'

Nico's head snaps up and he comes face to face with Jenson holding up the kitty ears with the most infuriating grin on his face. Nico's cheeks flush red with embarrassment, and Jenson's barely able to hold back his laughter.

'Out, Jenson. Out!'

'Not your kitten!'

'Fuck you!'

 

Nico doesn't have a lot of friends in London. Friends, as in, people he'd actually want to meet up with to talk or have lunch together because he cares about their lives, not the five hundred and something count that he has on Facebook. Sure, there are people in his faculty he talks to from time to time, the other master's students and some of the professors, but half the time they talk about school and networking and they're silently trying to one up each other with the people they claim to have met and sometimes Nico just wants to get away from all that. He politely declines the first time Jenson invites him out for a drink, saying that he's got stuff to work on for school. He'd rather go out to a club and party the night away with people he doesn't know and wouldn't need to know. It's mindless and he doesn't have to pretend to care, unlike engaging in social interaction which requires him to present himself as a fully functional human being even when he's falling apart. Jenson shrugs, saying that there'll always be next time and by the fifth time Nico refuses, Jenson literally drags him out of the flat.

'You're hardly around people.'

'I talk to Lewis.'

'On Skype.'

'He's human.'

'That hardly counts,' Jenson shakes his head disapprovingly. He leads Nico through the pub to a table with a couple of guys and a really pretty girl, sliding into his seat beside her.

Over the course of the night, Nico gets to know Ant (who's as tiny as his nickname), Jake, DC and Jessy and when Jenson leaves to get more beer Nico leans in to ask if Jessy's Jenson's girlfriend. Jessy motions for Nico to lean closer, whispering conspiratorially that Jenson's a bad kisser and she doesn't date boys who can't kiss a girl right only for Jenson to return with mugs of beer in hand, looking visibly affronted at Jessy's remark. Jessy laughs, and Jenson tells Nico not to listen to her because she's lying and that's when Ant jumps in with a suitably embarrassing anecdote with how Jenson had once ended up making out with a poster on the wall in university after a couple of shots. Jake adds that it had been a Leonardo Dicaprio poster from some screening of Titanic and DC frowns, gulping down his beer as they talk. When he finally puts down his mug he looks at Nico and says that he looks just like Dicaprio and Nico's cheeks flush red as Jenson slings an arm around him and says he looks much better than Dicaprio, asking if anyone has even seen him in Inception.

Nico's had three mugs of beer by the time he gets back to his flat with Jenson, and he isn't exactly drunk, but Jenson's swaying on his feet, rambling on and on incoherently.

'Thanks for tonight,' Nico says, but Jenson's already snoring on the sofa, fast asleep.

 

Nico isn't sure when the world is shoved off its axis and when it stops spinning as it usually does for him. He's getting used to Lewis missing their weekly Skype calls because he's busy and well, it isn't as if Nico isn't busy with school anyway. He tries not to think about it, though, lets himself get distracted by Jenson and all the things he drags him around for and it's somewhere around his fourth month of living with Jenson that he jumps when Jenson's fingers brush against his skin by accident. It startles him because fuck, Jenson's touch sends shivers down his spine and he hasn't felt like this in forever. He drops his mug and thankfully it's made of plastic, so all he has to clean up is the water on the floor.

'You alright?' Jenson asks, frowning.

'Yeah,' Nico answers, determined not to look at Jenson.

This has nothing to do with Jenson. Nico has been touch-starved for months. He tells himself that this is merely the result of not being with someone for too long, nothing more.

 

(But the sensation of Jenson's fingers against his skin stays with Nico for far too long and he shouldn't be thinking about it but he does, over and over again, and it burns.)

 

'What're you wearing?'

'Shirt, boxers?'

'Wanna take them off you. Now.'

'Someone's horny.'

'You're stating the obvious.'

'Missing my cock in your mouth?'

'Fuck, Lewis, I-'

'Miss you on your knees, arse in the air-'

'Shit-'

'Is it your phone or is it mine?'

'... Think it's yours.'

'Shit.'

'Is it work?'

'I-'

'Take it. I'll call again.'

'I don't know how long it'll take and I don't want you to wait-'

'Tomorrow then. I'll hang up now.'

'Sorry, I-'

'Love you.'

'Love you too.'

 

'Is this a date?' Nico asks, lifting a spoonful of soup to his lips. He's at a fancy restaurant with Jenson and it's the kind with three sets of cutlery for the different courses and the last time he had gone to someplace like this had been to celebrate Lewis getting his first paycheck and Nico getting in to his master's course in university. And well, Jenson isn't exactly rich and most of Nico's income comes from translation work he does on the side apart from being a teaching assistant at school so it isn't as if going to such places is standard fare for when they eat out.

'Do you want it to be?' Jenson teases.

' _Jenson_ -'

'I'm joking,' Jenson says quickly. 'You haven't been yourself lately, is something wrong?'

'I,' Nico begins, but he's not sure what to say. Something about the shitty state of his relationship with Lewis? Something about how his thesis isn't going as well as he should, and he had gotten into a disagreement with one of his professors? Something about how he's starting to enjoy spending time with Jenson far more than he should? 'It's school,' he says finally. He doesn't want to elaborate, so he changes the subject, saying, 'But more importantly, why are we here? Is it your birthday? Are you kicking me out of the flat?'

'God, no,' Jenson says, looking horrified. 'Uh. You seemed stressed about something.'

'I do?'

'You've been cleaning the flat obsessively even when it isn't your turn to do the chores. Did you notice the extra tubs of vanilla ice cream in the freezer?'

'There were?'

'I bought two more tubs when I went to Asda last week.'

'Oh. Um. Thanks.'

'So. School problems?'

'My thesis. Some complications to sort out. It's nothing serious though,' Nico says, quick to downplay his problems. 'Do you do this sort of thing with Lewis?'

'Of course not.'

They sit in silence after they're done with the soup and the waiter clears the plates. There's the soft tinkling of the piano from the speakers overhead as Nico struggles not to fidget in his seat. Jenson looks at the tablecloth like it's the most interesting thing in the world and after their appetiser has come and gone, Nico finally opens his mouth to speak.

'Out with it. You're hiding something.'

There's hesitation in Jenson's eyes, then it disappears within seconds. Nico blinks. 'You're right,' Jenson says. 'I had a date, it got cancelled and I didn't want to waste the reservation.'

'Knew it,' Nico says, smiling in hollow triumph.

'How was I supposed to tell you, come eat with me because I booked this a month in advance and I'd look like an idiot eating alone when it's supposed to be a table for two?'

'Well to start, you look like an idiot most of the time...'

'That's rich coming from you, _Britney_.'

'You're never going to let that go, are you?'

'Why should I? It's golden!'

 

When Nico closes his eyes on nights when he lies on his bed, head too full of thoughts to fall asleep, he finds his thoughts drifting involuntarily to the way Jenson had looked at him all night at the restaurant. Like he was the only thing in the world that mattered. He tries to push the thoughts away but it never works, and Nico's left with a dull throb in his heart as he curls up on one side, trying to find sleep but to no avail.

 

'Still awake?'

Nico looks up only to be greeted with the sight of Jenson clad in a pair of boxers and nothing else. His gaze drops back to his laptop immediately because fuck, it's distracting. Jenson with his flat stomach and toned arms and that trail of hair disappearing down his boxers... Shit.

It's seven in the morning and Nico's been erasing chunk after chunk of text because his work won't fucking write itself. 'Yeah,' he answers. 'Couldn't fix something for my thesis. Appointment with my tutor's this afternoon.

There's the sound of running water from the kitchen, and the telltale click of the electric kettle as Jenson sets water down to boil. Minutes later, Jenson returns with two mugs of tea, setting one down in front of Nico.

'Drink,' Jenson says. 'I'll make breakfast later.'

Nico lifts the mug to his lips and inhales. It's English breakfast tea. 'Thanks,' he says gratefully, and Jenson gives him a lopsided smile that makes butterflies erupt in his stomach.

 

Nico returns to the smell of tomato sauce and sausages.

'You're cooking,' Nico says, staring in disbelief at the sight of Jenson with an apron around his waist, frying sausages in a pan.

'Felt like it,' Jenson says with a grin. 'You're invited to dinner.'

'I'm honoured.'

'You should be. You'll be tasting the food of the heavens.'

'What's that, pasta?' Nico peers over Jenson's shoulder at the food on the stove. Jenson switches off the fire, turning around to poke Nico in the ribs, and Nico yelps.

'Not good enough for your highness?'

'I'm not complaining.'

Jenson laughs. 'Your appointment went well?'

'I'll survive,' Nico says, but the expression on his face speaks otherwise.

'Well, there's always vanilla ice cream for dessert,' Jenson says, patting Nico's shoulder. 'Mind taking out the plates, Britney?'

 

Lewis' birthday rolls around, and Nico figures that since he's still on Christmas vacation, he might as well head for Japan to spend it with Lewis. They haven't seen each other for half a year now.

(Nico visiting Lewis has nothing to do with Jenson. Absolutely nothing to do with that tiny bit of guilt he had when he had found himself staring at Jenson for far too long, wondering if his lips were as soft as they looked.)

Nico pulls Lewis into a long hug when he finally sees him at Kansai International Airport.

'I've missed you,' Nico says. His stomach growls and he ducks his head, embarrassed.

'I've missed you too,' Lewis answers. 'Dinner?'

'What'd you recommend?'

'Ramen?'

 

Work comes first for Lewis, even on a Saturday, so Nico ends up taking a train to Namba although he doesn't really know what to do there. Moving out to somewhere is much better than staying in Lewis' flat, not quite knowing what to do. So Nico leaves, wandering the streets in a foreign place, feeling utterly lost and he really shouldn't be walking further and further away from the train station because he's got no idea how to get back but his legs carry him forward, on and on.

He had come to Japan for Lewis, but it feels strange, like there's something wrong with the whole endeavour. It's not as if there's something broken, it's not as if he needs to fix things. Just that they should probably be talking more often, and physically being with Lewis would probably change things. Nico feels at ease when Lewis touches him, it's a familiar sort of warmth that he's used to that's nothing like the prickly sort of feeling he gets when he's with Jenson.

Fuck. He shouldn't even be thinking about Jenson. He's here for Lewis. _Lewis_. It's going to be alright. Even so, he finds himself unable to shake off a strange sense of uncertainty, like this isn't where he ought to be.

(Like this is torture even though he really shouldn't be feeling this way)

He shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans as he walks past rows of shops, biting his lip as he watches couple after couple walk by, holding hands.

The sun is setting and Nico finds himself sitting alone at a table in a takoyaki stall by the river, stabbing viciously at the octopus balls in front of him, staring at the mug of beer in front of him. This isn't what he came to Japan for, he thinks, shoving the food into his mouth. He gulps down his beer, numb, but the tears still spring from his eyes, as always, when he tastes the pickled ginger. He's alone, all alone, and he's looking out at the river and passengers on the boat that pass him wave with cheery smiles on their faces and it hurts, it hurts, oh it hurts and Nico doesn't even know why.

 

Lewis comes for Nico in a taxi.

'I'm sorry,' Nico chokes out, swaying on his feet. 'I didn't mean to get drunk and I didn't know how to get back and I-'

'It's fine,' Lewis says, gripping Nico tight as he helps him into the taxi.

'I just-'

'It's fine,' Lewis says stiffly. It shuts Nico up immediately because fuck, he's babbling and he's drunk and how many beers had it been? His cheeks burn and he isn't even sure if it's the alcohol or embarrassment or both.

Lewis speaks to the taxi driver in Japanese. It's accented and it sounds strange to Nico's ears, almost as if suddenly, he doesn't recognise his boyfriend any more. It overwhelms Nico and he bites the inside of his cheek, like he's desperate to convince himself that he isn't dreaming, that this is all real.

'Just sleep,' Lewis says, turning back to look at Nico from his seat in the front, giving him a smile. 'I'll call you when we reach.'

'Right,' Nico answers, voice shaky. What the fuck is he thinking? Lewis is still Lewis, nothing's changed, while Nico's drunk in the backseat of a taxi letting his mind wander to places it shouldn't go.

 

It's five in the morning when Nico wakes up to Lewis' sleeping form beside him. The bed really isn't meant for two and Lewis had insisted on taking the sofa but in the end they had ended up together, limbs awkwardly knocking into one another. It's getting lighter outside, soon the sun will be up, and there's something about this moment that makes Nico want to press pause, right here, just to save it and keep it safely in his heart for another day. The blanket pools around Nico's waist and Lewis is sprawled out on the bed (as usual) and Nico finds himself smiling because this feels like it did a few years ago, when they were both at university with beds that were far too small. And just like back then...

Lewis wakes up to Nico in between his legs, mouthing at his cock through his boxers.

'What are you doing,' he asks, voice thick with sleep, even though the answer is obvious.

'Shh,' Nico whispers and Lewis lifts his hips, letting Nico pull down his underwear, freeing his half-hard cock. Nico places his palms on Lewis' thighs, leaning in and when he wraps his lips around Lewis' cock, Lewis groans, head thrown back against the pillow. How long has it been since they've last done something like this? Nico doesn't quite remember. Probably a long time before Lewis had left for Japan. Nico remembers how things had gone during his birthday the year before – they had been kissing and Lewis had one hand in Nico's boxers when Lewis' phone rang. It had been a family emergency and Nico had ended up alone, jerking off to the thought of Lewis' hand around his cock.

'Nico,' Lewis moans, gasping as Nico takes more of him into his mouth, slowly building up a rhythm. Nico's got one hand on Lewis' hip, holding him down, and his other hand's around his cock as he sucks him off. 'Nico, I-'

The phone rings.

Nico pushes his gag reflex, he's got tears at the corners of his eyes now and fuck, he had never really been able to take Lewis fully into his mouth before but he's pushing it and Lewis groans, trembling beneath him. He's not going to let this end here just because of a bloody phone call, whoever it is can _wait_ -

' _Nico_ ,' Lewis groans, hips bucking forward to thrust into Nico's mouth.

The phone stops ringing . Nico pulls back, licking all over Lewis' cock, rubbing his tongue against the sensitive underside, relishing in Lewis' sighs of pleasure.

The phone starts ringing again.

'I should-'

'Not now,' Nico says. He takes Lewis into his mouth again, looks up at him and holds his gaze and Lewis sucks in a deep breath. Lewis is close now, it isn't going to be long before he's coming and the phone stops ringing and _fuck_ , Nico's mouth is heaven and, _and_ -

The phone starts ringing again.

'Nico, I've got to, _fuck_ , I've got to take it,' Lewis gasps, yanking hard at Nico's hair. ' _Nico_ -'

Nico pulls back, whimpering. He looks up at Lewis with his lips parted and wet, cheeks flushed and he's got Lewis' come all over his face.

'Can't they wait?' Nico reaches for Lewis. The phone has stopped ringing now but Lewis is shifting in his position, tugging his boxers up his thighs.

'It's work,' Lewis says, squeezing Nico's hand briefly, then he's stumbling in the dark for his phone.

'Hello? Sorry to make you wait, yes it's Lewis Hamilton. Yes the deal's still on...'

The door closes behind Lewis.

Nico's left alone on the bed.

 

The bedside clock reads 14:58 when Nico wakes up again, alone. He feels disgusting and he needs a bath. He gets up, pushing the covers aside, rubbing at his eyes as he leaves the bedroom.

Lewis is sleeping on the sofa, clutching his mobile phone. Nico wants to wake him but he stops, looking at him. He looks tired, too tired, and Nico sighs, watching him. It's Lewis' birthday, but he isn't even able to celebrate it with him because work keeps getting in the way.

He heads for the kitchen, but a quick look around tells him that there's nothing he can cook apart from cup noodles. So he sets the kettle down to boil, looking out of the window at the streets while he waits. There's so little he can do for Lewis, what with how he's in another country and for all the languages he speaks, he's useless here. He knows nothing of the area Lewis lives in, and even if he went to the convenience store he had seen a street away, chances are he wouldn't be able to get back to Lewis' flat without having to be buzzed up like a guest.

A guest accurately describes what Nico feels like at the moment. A houseguest that Lewis isn't equipped to entertain. Something has shifted, but Nico cannot quite put his finger on what it is and it gnaws away at him.

 

'I'm sorry,' Nico says, halfway through his plate of salmon sashimi.

'For what?' Lewis doesn't even look up.

'I came here for your birthday,' Nico says. The words feel thick and heavy in his mouth. His cheeks burn. He sets down his pair of chopsticks and looks at Lewis, eyes searching. 'Guess I should've picked a better-'

'No,' Lewis cuts in hastily. 'It's fine, it's just that-'

'You seem tired.'

'Yeah,' Lewis says. He doesn't meet Nico's gaze. 'Big project at work, I haven't really slept for the past couple of weeks.'

'You don't have to send me off.'

'Nico, I-'

'I just.' Nico stops. Swallows hard. 'I just want you to be happy,' he says, voice small.

'I am,' Lewis says, but it sounds more like an automatic response than a genuine reply.

 

Nico goes back to London feeling miserable. Jenson makes remarks about how Nico seems to have gone for a torture trip instead of a pleasure trip to see Lewis and Nico snaps at him, telling him to fuck off. He apologises in the evening, feeling bad because it's Jenson who knocks on the door to his room to ask if something had gone wrong. He shakes his head, saying Lewis had been a little too busy but it had been fine, all had gone well. Those are just empty words, and on Friday night Jenson drags Nico out for drinks even though Nico doesn't want to leave the flat. But by the time they're knocking back their fourth mug of beer, Nico's glad he let himself go with Jenson. Jenson's great company, and even though he keeps teasing Nico when he asks about Nico's life he sounds sincere. Like he cares, although to be honest, Nico isn't really sure. When he thinks about it, it's unsettling. Jenson's always there, but Lewis never ever seems to be.

 

It's always the same whenever Nico tries texting Lewis.

_Oh. Okay. I'm good. Lol okay._ Rinse and repeat. Nico's tired, he feels so fucking useless because that's it. He asks Lewis questions and this is all he gets. Cryptic one-liners that say nothing and Nico's not able to help Lewis with anything because what is there for him to do if Lewis doesn't even want to talk? And well, he'd love to talk to Lewis about his problems but with how Lewis replies, the feeling of reluctance to even talk about his life grows in intensity. He doesn't want to burden Lewis with his shit. Lewis has got better things to deal with, he doesn't have to deal with the crap in Nico's life. So Nico shuts up about it, because really, what else is there for him to do?

In the end, Nico doesn't know what hurts more – the pain he's feeling or the long wait in between Lewis' replies, which will inevitably be something short along the lines of 'cheer up' or 'it'll be fine' that does little to make Nico feel better.

 

Nico wakes up to a blanket around his shoulders and fuck, it's eleven in the morning and he's going to be late for his classes in the afternoon and his head hurts like fuck. He's still not done with this particular section of his thesis and if he doesn't fix it he's screwed. The mere thought of it makes him panic once more – he shouldn't have agreed to be a teaching assistant because he'll never be able to make it at this rate. He groans, stretching, rubbing at his eyes, peering blearily at his laptop. There's something else in his peripheral vision, something that hadn't been there before. He frowns. It's a hot flask, with a post-it note pasted on it.

_Tea for you. There's pasta in the microwave oven. Get some rest._

Nico smiles, uncapping the flask. The smell of tea calms his nerves. Right. Class starts at three. He can fix this. He _will_ fix this.

 

It takes an entire day for Nico to figure out how to send flowers to Lewis' office for their anniversary when he should be focusing on his thesis. It's their anniversary and even if they're spending it away from one another, it has to be special. Somehow. Over the years they've done things together, going on dinner dates to fancy restaurants or just hole in the wall cafés serving great food and cooking for one another and making a mess out of their kitchens and this year shouldn't be any different just because they're apart. So Nico stays up to some ungodly hour in the morning so that he's able to catch Lewis at his lunch hour, but Lewis' reply is nothing more than him thanking Nico for the flowers and telling him he'll Skype him later because he's with a client before he hangs up abruptly.

Everything else is forgotten as Nico waits in front of his laptop for Lewis' call.

It never comes.

 

'Here.' Jenson sets down a plate in front of Nico and Nico looks up at him in surprise. It's a slice of banoffee pie. Jenson _never_ shares his desserts.

'Are you sick?'

'You're no fun when you're upset, Britney.'

'Jenson, I-'

'And you can have another slice if one isn't enough.'

'You don't-'

' _Nico_.'

'Thank you.'

'I'm not doing it for you, you know. You're a pain to be around when you're sad,' Jenson says, but there's no heat in his voice, only a sort of relief in his eyes when Nico cracks a small smile.

 

They're watching a race on television and at some point Jenson's got his arm around Nico and Nico finds himself just leaning in, taking comfort from the warmth of his body. God he doesn't even know how it all fits but it does, this feels just right. Where had any semblance of personal space and boundaries gone? Nico doesn't know, and some part of him is frightened beyond belief because he's falling down the rabbit hole and there's no way back up.

 

Jenson's lips taste of beer and and his stubble is scratchy against Nico's skin and they're drunk.

_You're drunk you're drunk what the fuck are you doing you're so fucking drunk you should've never gone out drinking with Jenson look at what you've done_ the words go on and on in Nico's head and he pulls away, looking at Jenson, eyes filled with uncertainty. He licks his lips, dragging his tongue across his lower lip and Jenson stares openly and he doesn't even know what the fuck this is.

'I should go,' Nico says, swallowing thickly. 'You're drunk.' There's something that feels like a cross between guilt and desire that's gnawing away at him and he's in no position to fight it, so flight is definitely the better option.

'I am,' Jenson says, staring at Nico. His eyes are shining in the dim light of the bar, but all he's had is a bottle of beer, and Nico's cocktail sits abandoned on the countertop, glass still half full.

 

But oh, it's easier to pretend that they're drunk when the truth is, they're painfully sober. Nico's going to remember this for days, the painful drag of Jenson's stubble against his stomach, the way Jenson's fingers move across the slope of his shoulders to cup his neck as he sucks a bruise into his skin just above his collarbone, the way Jenson looks down at him with that look in his eyes and Nico doesn't even know what the fuck that is. It looks like wonder and amazement and it burns; he's lying beneath Jenson with his jeans half undone and his t-shirt pushed up to just above his nipples and his hands above his head and he really shouldn't be doing this but fuck, it feels just right.

There's no need for words, just harsh cries and soft moans and Nico's fisting his hands in the bed sheets, tugging hard when Jenson reaches for his cock. He mewls and whimpers and it's ridiculous how he's getting so overwhelmed when Jenson shifts, tugging down his jeans and boxers and then there's the slide of hot skin against skin. Nico bites his lip, eyes squeezed shut, feeling Jenson's cock against his, and Jenson laughs shakily, spitting on his hand so that it's easier for him to jerk them both off. It only takes a couple of strokes before Nico's panting hard, hips bucking forward, eager for more friction. Jenson leans in but he doesn't kiss Nico, instead he flicks his tongue over an erect nipple and Nico cries out, tugging harder at the bed sheets. God Nico's a wreck, he's thoroughly ruined by Jenson and all Jenson's doing is just touching him and this is electric and, _and_ -

Nico comes with a choked sob, shivering underneath Jenson.

 

'You're gay.' The words slip out of Nico's mouth before he even realises what he has said. He's sitting on Jenson's bed, the sunlight's harsh, bleeding through the blinds and he really should move but he can't bring himself to, not with Jenson looking at him with a wounded look in his eyes from across the room.

'No, not really.' Jenson looks uncomfortable. 'More bi than gay, actually.'

'Right.' The words _and you never said anything_ hang unspoken in the air.

'It never came up. You never asked.'

'Right.'

Silence.

'Nothing happened last night.'

'Nico-'

'Nothing happened.'

'Nothing happened, huh.'

 

Avoiding your flatmate is an impossible task. Nico's all too aware of Jenson's constant presence around him, shivers go down his spine when Jenson moves closer and he pulls away as if he has been burnt when Jenson pushes past him in the morning on his way to the kitchen.

 

It's unlike Nico to forget his towel when he takes a shower but today, he's standing naked, water dripping from his body, cheeks flushed in embarrassment as he waits for the knock on the door from Jenson. It's not as if Jenson hasn't seen him like this before, but Nico doesn't want Jenson to see him like this, feeling stupid and needing his help. He unlocks the bathroom door, pushing it open slightly so that Jenson's able to stick his hand in and give him the towel, but the floor's all wet and he slips, throwing the door open completely instead, falling straight into Jenson's arms.

'Hey,' Jenson says, looking amused.

Nico squeaks, snatching the towel from Jenson, and Jenson makes no attempt to hide how he's staring appreciatively at Nico's naked form.

 

There's the sound of something buzzing and Nico frowns. It isn't his mobile phone, that's in his pocket. He follows the sound, only to realise that Jenson has left his mobile on the kitchen counter. Jessy's calling, and Nico hesitates before picking up.

'Hello?'

'JB?'

'Jenson left his phone in the flat, I'm Nico. Do you want to leave a message?'

'Oh! No it's okay, it's not important.'

'Okay,' Nico says.

There's the awkward silence in between further conversation and them ending the call.

'Nico?'

'Yeah?'

'Are things okay between you and JB?'

'Ahh. Um. We're fine.'

There's a shuffling sound on the other end and someone's voice, calling out to Jessy.

'If there's nothing more, I'll hang up,' Nico says, looking at the ground.

'JB's been pretty down lately, so I was just wondering if you knew why,' Jessy says. 'Anyway thanks, I'll call again! Bye!'

'Bye,' Nico says, swallowing thickly.

 

_Nothing happened_. They're not supposed to be this awkward, conversation shouldn't be stilted and strange but it is and Nico can't talk to Jenson without staring at his lips, _wondering_ -

Fuck, he's fallen and he'll never be able to get up.

 

'Maybe I should move out.'

'What.' Jenson stares at Nico, eyes assessing.

'I said maybe I should move out-'

'Are you mad?'

'I can't take this-'

Jenson grabs Nico's arm. ' _You_ said nothing happened-'

'I can't do it!' Nico tries to pull free of Jenson's grip to no avail.

'You think I can?'

'I should leave.'

'You leaving wouldn't change anything-'

'It would-'

'Listen-'

'Jenson what the-'

Jenson's lips feels just right against Nico's. He's cradling Nico's head gently and when he pulls away, Nico's looking up at him, breathless. He's kissing Nico just to prove his fucking point and Nico hates that he's right.

'We shouldn't be doing this,' Nico says, but he sounds like he's asking for more instead of pleading with Jenson to stop.

'But I can't help myself,' Jenson says quietly, leaning in to kiss Nico again.

Nico ought to be pushing Jenson away, but really, he's unable to help himself either.

 

In the morning Jenson's there with breakfast and he's looking at Nico with light in his eyes, saying 'Hey beautiful' as he hands him his plate of food and Nico swallows hard, frozen to the spot because this is it, really.

'Nico?'

'Jenson, I-'

'It'll be fine,' Jenson says, pressing a kiss to Nico's forehead, but who exactly is he trying to reassure, Nico or himself?

 

It starts with more kissing and fumbling and the exploration of one another's bodies, slowly extending to activity outside the bedroom. There are dinner dates with Jenson to an endless number of different restaurants and Nico teases Jenson about how good he looks when he actually makes an effort to dress up, and in return Jenson tells him with a grin that if he thinks he looks good in a shirt and tie, then he should take a good look when he's all undressed. Nico finds himself surprised when he feels Jenson's head against his shoulder when they're at the cinema because Jenson's fast asleep with a bucket of popcorn in his hand but he makes no effort to rouse Jenson, until the film's hurtling towards the end and Jenson wakes up with a start, looking at Nico in horror, asking what he had missed.

Somehow along the way Nico makes an effort to learn how to bake, and his first masterpiece is a sponge cake that's a little burnt around the edges. Jenson gives him an A+ for effort and asks if there's a hole in the middle of the cake because it's supposed to fit around a certain part of Nico's anatomy for him to eat it off him and Nico squeaks, embarrassed. Burnt cakes soon give way to pies with whipped cream and Jenson licking whipped cream and an assortment of sauces off Nico's fingers and on some nights, when Nico's working on his thesis, Jenson would insist on staying up with him to cheer him on, only to fall asleep at the dining table. Nico would look at him, smiling fondly, and he'd grab a blanket to drape around Jenson's shoulders before he gets back to work.

They had never meant for it to happen, but somehow being just flatmates had segued into becoming lovers, and as much as it shouldn't be this way, their relationship falls neatly into place, like it was always meant to be.

 

Nico's phone buzzes with text messages from Lewis from time to time. Things like _hey, how's school_ and _hope it's going well man_ and _things are great on my end_. Nico does his best to type up longer replies in hopes of getting more from Lewis, but there's usually no reply for days, and when a reply does come, it's usually a text about something completely unrelated to what they had been talking about before. Yet each time a new message comes, he feels horrible, like he's the worst person in the world but there's Jenson who makes everything better, and it slowly slips away whenever he's with him.

Jenson's placing kisses down Nico's stomach, stopping briefly at the waistband of his boxers before going lower, mouthing at his half-hard cock through the fabric.

Jenson's name leaves Nico's lips as a whine, and Jenson looks up at Nico, amused. He tugs at Nico's boxers, pulling them down to mid-thigh and Nico bites his lower lip, watching as Jenson leans in to flick his tongue over the tip of his cock.

Nico's phone rings.

'Are you getting that?' Jenson asks. He doesn't move from his position, and Nico glares at him.

'Hello?'

'Nico?'

Nico bites back a moan, feeling Jenson's tongue rubbing against the underside of his cock. Fuck, he should hang up now, god Lewis never ever calls and the only time he calls is when it's inconvenient.

'H-hey,' Nico manages, sucking in a deep breath, feeling Jenson's mouth on his cock. 'How are you?' He looks down, eyes wide at Jenson, who doesn't seem to be paying any attention to how Nico's glaring at him.

'Great. Remember my deal from when you came over? It worked out.'

There's the sound of something rustling over the phone, then all is quiet once again. Nico bites his lip, god he really wants to kick Jenson to get him to stop but _fuck_ -

'Are you busy now?'

'No,' Nico answers quickly, even though it's a blatant lie. God he shouldn't be letting Jenson do this, there's probably a special place in hell for arseholes like him who let someone else blow him while talking to their boyfriend.

'That's good to hear.'

More rustling.

'I missed you.'

'What're you wearing?'

Oh fuck. Shit. Fuck. _Fuck_.

'I don't think-'

'Are you outside now?'

'No, but I-'

'We haven't done this for a while.'

Nico bites back a moan as Jenson places his palms on the inside of his thighs before leaning in to press his lips against the tip of his cock. Oh god. He's not going to last like this.

'Yeah, but this is-'

'Fuck. I miss touching you. Fucking you with my fingers. Hearing you moan.'

'I don't _think_ -'

'You're jerking off now?'

Jenson's swirling his tongue on the tip of Nico's cock, teasing him with flicks of his tongue and when he leans in, wrapping his lips around Nico's cockhead, Nico moans involuntarily.

'Fuck. _You are_ ,' Lewis says, and Nico can almost see the dirty grin on his face. 'Did you start touching yourself the moment I asked what you were wearing?'

'No,' Nico manages, voice shaky. He bites on the inside of his cheek as Jenson rubs his tongue against the sensitive underside of his cock. Jenson's taking him into his mouth, slowly, inch by inch and fuck all he wants is to thrust forward into the wet heat but Jenson's not letting him, insistent on taking his time.

'It's so easy to get you horny. Fuck you're making me want you more. On your hands and knees as I fuck you into the mattress.'

There's the rustling sound again and fuck, Nico's pretty certain that Lewis is touching himself through all this. He feels guilty, god he should just hang up and tell Lewis he has to go but fuck, he's so ridiculously turned on by the thought of Jenson sucking him off while listening to Lewis talk about fucking him. It's forbidden, he shouldn't be doing this and he's pretty certain he's going to hang up on Lewis when he feels the tip of a finger pressing against his entrance.

'What're you doing now, ahh, fingering yourself?'

'Obviously _not_ ,' Nico hisses as Jenson pushes the finger into him. One finger isn't enough for him to feel the stretch and soon enough, another finger joins the first, pressing deeper, _searching_ -

'Wishing you had my cock instead of your fingers?'

'Of course not-' It's a half moan half shout and Nico's trembling and shaking and _fuck_ , he's not going to last. Jenson's fingers are rubbing against his prostate and Jenson's tongue is working its magic on his cock and god he doesn't think he'll be able to take this much stimulation.

'Come for me, babe.' Lewis' voice is hoarse over the phone, his breathing heavy.

'I can't-' Nico chokes out, biting hard on his lower lip as he comes and all throughout Jenson holds him down, fingers still moving inside him, as if he's determined to milk every single drop out of him. Nico lies flat on the mattress, unable to move and god this is too much, _far too much_ and Jenson isn't stopping and he whimpers, face pressed to the mattress, against his phone.

'That was amazing man,' Lewis says a while later. He sounds sleepy but sated, and Nico doesn't remember hearing him like that in a long while.

'Yeah,' Nico answers, eyes squeezed shut. He can feel the tears welling up now, his cheeks burn with shame because of what he has just done and all he wants is to hang up, to get away from all this.

'I'll call again another day?'

'Sure.'

'Right. Love you. Bye.'

There's the dial tone of a disconnected phone call before Nico can even reply, and the tears start to fall, rolling down Nico's cheeks, unbidden.

'Nico?' Jenson asks, worried. He's got a washcloth with him now, and he's lying on the bed next to him, propping himself up with his elbows. 'If it's-'

'I'm sorry,' Nico chokes out, burying his face in the crook of his arm. 'I'm so sorry, oh god I'm so sorry, I just-'

'What happened?'

'I'm sorry, I should've hung up, I-'

'Nico,' Jenson says, pulling Nico into his embrace, and Nico shivers in his arms. 'I should've stopped, I shouldn't have, fuck if it was work I should've just stopped and-'

'It's not you,' Nico says, voice quiet.

'Shh it's okay,' Jenson says, rubbing soothing circles into Nico's back.

'It was Lewis and oh god I just. I couldn't hang up and I-'

'It's okay.'

But they both know it isn't.

 

It's been a long day at school and Nico's got a seat and he's leaning with his head against the cool glass of the bus window as he tries to sleep but it doesn't come because it's raining outside and all he can think of is the time when he had gotten on the bus with Lewis and it had been raining. They hadn't had an umbrella and Lewis had insisted that they'd be able to run from the bus stop back to his flat without getting too drenched despite Nico's protests so they did, with Lewis using his hoodie to cover his head while Nico ran after him.

Nico sees it all too clearly in his mind. They're pressed flush against one another and Lewis is laughing, that wide smile of his that shows the gap between his front teeth that Nico's so fond of and who cares if their t-shirts are completely soaked and Nico's jeans are heavy with water and they really ought to get into the shower instead of just standing here by the doorway, so close that they can feel one another's breath on their skin? Then Lewis is pulling him into a kiss and it's all tongue and teeth and elbows pushing against soft places and huffs of laughter and it's nothing but pure sensation, peeling their wet clothing off their skin as they learn every part of each other with shaky fingers. Nico can remember every single part of it, remembers falling into one another like puzzle pieces fitting together and how did it all go wrong? Like a knitted jacket slowly unravelling, pieces artfully arranged as a whole had fallen apart and Nico had tried so hard to put them back together again only to be confronted with the terrifying reality of how it doesn't look the same and there's no way he can cover up the cracks any more.

Nico's phone vibrates against his thigh and he tugs it out of his jeans pocket. It's Jenson, asking what he'd like to have for dinner. There's a sudden pang in Nico's heart that he doesn't know how to deal with and he stares at his phone for a couple of moments, lost. It takes him a while before he starts typing back, saying that he'll get takeout since he's on his way back already.

He ends up getting pot stickers and fried rice and spring rolls from a Chinese restaurant he used to frequent with Lewis. The food tastes the same, but the feelings from back then aren't exactly there any more.

 

The days go by in a blur, lost in neon lights and the sound of the guitar from the speakers of Jenson's laptop and takeout after takeout and beers and an endless assortment of cake. Nico pulls his cardigan closer to his skin as he sits and watches his students listen to one of his professors during a particularly boring lecture, idly spinning a pen around his fingers. He was once like that, wide-eyed and brilliant thinking that he'd get somewhere someday but now he's here instead and not up there, not amongst the stars in the sky shining like he'll never burn out.

But this isn't too bad, really. He's got Jenson and he's got time to figure out how it all ends. Days melt into weeks and he finds that he's slowly starting to build memories with Jenson atop the ones he used to share with Lewis. But sometimes the holes are far too deep, and what he has now isn't enough to cover it without falling through the gaps and right there, beneath everything, is guilt, slipping under Nico's skin and slowly dragging him down.

 

Nico spends most of his birthday in school, attending to students with endless questions and he returns home to Jenson with a ribbon around his neck.

'I'm your present,' Jenson says in all seriousness, and Nico laughs.

'Can I unwrap you now?'

'If you're not too hungry. Then again, you could always eat me.'

'Not funny,' Nico says, and Jenson laughs, pulling him into a kiss.

Later on, after a dinner of homemade spaghetti bolognese, Nico watches, amused as Jenson balances a bottle of champagne in his arms and a misshapen lump on a plate.

'What is that?' Nico asks, staring at the lump Jenson sets down on the table.

'Ice cream cake. I made it.'

'You did?' Nico asks, raising a sceptical eyebrow.

'I tried,' Jenson says. He gives Nico a mournful look, and Nico can't help but laugh.

 

'Thank you,' Nico says afterwards, when they're lying together in bed, limbs entwined.

'Don't thank me,' Jenson murmurs, stroking Nico's hair. There's a comfortable sort of silence that surrounds them and Nico closes his eyes, leaning into Jenson's touch. Jenson bends down, placing his lips against Nico's forehead. 'Love you,' he whispers against Nico's skin.

'Love you too,' Nico replies, feeling it in every fibre of his being.

(And that's the worst part, really, because there's no turning back for him any more)

 

All throughout, Lewis never calls.

 

Nico's picking up groceries in Asda, pushing his trolley along when he stops at the sweets section. There's Haribo gummies, and Nico swallows hard, looking at the packets of Haribo cherries.

_'This smell, it's heaven. Want one?'_

_'Hmm?'_

_'I'll feed you.'_

_Lewis leans in with candy in between his teeth and Nico yelps when Lewis kisses him, pushing the sweet into his mouth._

_'That was gross!' Nico exclaims afterwards, but the look on his face says that he's undeniably pleased._

_'You liked it,' Lewis says, grinning, and Nico can't help but return a smile._

Lewis. Oh god. Nico bites hard on his lower lip, trying to push the memories of what had followed out of his head, walking resolutely forward, but it's useless.

 

Guilt from cheating on his boyfriend gnaws away at Nico, and guilt from getting with his best friend's boyfriend eats at Jenson.

(But it feels too good to stop, and what Lewis doesn't know can't hurt him, right?)

 

Nico ends up on his knees, looking up at Jenson, head cocked to one side. He's got a pair of cat ears attached to his long blonde hair and a cat tail attached to a butt plug sits nicely inside him. He's in between Jenson's thighs, purring in contentment as Jenson strokes his hair. Nico leans in to nuzzle against Jenson's crotch, covered by his jeans and Jenson tugs at his hair gently, telling him that he's been such a good kitty so he'd be rewarded with milk today.

Once upon a time, Nico had pulled a similar stunt with Lewis. His hair had been shorter then, he had cut it short because Lewis had said that he had looked too much like a girl with it and it had bothered him even though really, he had liked his long hair. He had gotten the pair of kitty ears (and the tail too) and had dressed up as a naughty little kitten waiting to be punished in a bid to spice up their sex life but the look on Lewis' face was enough to tell Nico that any form of dressing up or roleplay would definitely be out of the question. So Nico had taken them off and put them away even though deep inside, he had really wanted to petted and stroked and after the punishment, he had wanted so badly to be told that he had been a good, good boy for taking all that. It hadn't taken Nico long to discover that Lewis had a very specific set of things he liked and an even shorter period of time to learn that Lewis would hardly stray from it.

Jenson, on the other hand, is willing to explore with Nico. He slides a hand down Nico's back, reaching to spread his arse cheeks apart and Nico buries his face where Jenson's neck meets his shoulder, both in embarrassment and arousal. When Jenson pulls the butt plug out Nico bites on Jenson's skin and Jenson groans. Soon enough Nico's riding Jenson, letting out mewls of pleasure as his cock rubs against the fabric of Jenson's shirt. Nico's going to have to clean it up later on but fuck, the friction feels exquisite and Jenson's telling Nico that he's so good, so good, and it's all Nico had ever wanted and more.

 

But this isn't all. Sometimes when Nico's got his hands tied up above his head and Jenson's placing kisses all over his skin, fingers pressing into sensitive spots he had absolutely no idea existed, Nico gets overwhelmed because it's ridiculous. Jenson's so careful with him sometimes, treating him like he might break at any moment and his touch is soft and gentle. All he wants to do is to take it slow, to savour every moment, to kiss every inch of Nico's body and whisper words of reverence against his skin, from the base of his throat to the insides of his wrists to the back of his knees. It's as if he's spreading his affection all over Nico and Nico trembles underneath his touch, both with want and hurt because god, the way Jenson smiles and looks at him gets him all the time and he knows that there are no words to describe it. All he can come up with is a garbled mess of incoherence despite the knowledge of different languages he had amassed over the years.

Nico doesn't want this to ever end, lying beside Jenson, watching how Jenson reacts to him tracing words on his skin. Feeling the rise and fall of Jenson's chest as he breathes, curling up beside Jenson as Jenson wraps and arm around him, pulling him close. Sometimes there isn't sex, sometimes it's just cuddling and making out and Nico would look down at Jenson, breathless as he pulls away, lips kiss swollen and Jenson'd laugh, telling him that if it hurts he'd just kiss it better. Sometimes they would stumble into the shower together because Jenson'd offer to wash Nico's back when really, it's just a thinly veiled attempt at getting Nico to agree to shower sex. And it always ends messily and another shower would be in order but oh, it can hardly matter.

When Nico asks him to do it rough Jenson would press finger-shaped bruises into his skin as he rocks into him and Nico would cry out, feeling the rough material of Jenson's jeans rub against his bare arse with each thrust. There's also how Jenson fingers Nico, slowly pushing one finger, then two, then three into him, watching how Nico squirms, pushing against him, wanting more. He gets him all worked up and close to orgasm only to stop right there, leaving him on the edge only to deny him of release. Jenson looks at Nico like he could do it all night, just teasing him and bringing him close only to stop and wait before starting all over again. It feels good, better than Nico had ever imagined it to be, but sometimes he feels like this is how it should be, punishment for what he's doing. He's sleeping with Jenson even though he's still with Lewis and god, it eats at him but he can't help himself when it comes to Jenson, his defences are lowered and his guard goes down. He just gives in even though he knows that he shouldn't, and when Jenson places his hand against his heart, feeling his heartbeat beneath his fingertips, Nico bites his lip and holds back his tears because he hasn't got it in him to fight what he's feeling any more.

 

Through it all, there's constant communication between them – Jenson makes sure that Nico's okay with whatever they're going to try and Nico always asks beforehand, they talk about their boundaries even if sometimes it ends with Jenson teasing Nico and Nico glaring at him in mock annoyance. It's a constant push and pull that Nico finds himself enjoying because this isn't giving and giving until he's got nothing left and being afraid to take. This is giving and taking in equal measures, without hesitance because for once, he doesn't have to push part of himself away just to make things right.

Nico feels something rise at the back of his throat when he thinks about what he has with Jenson. The silly banter, the way Jenson likes to slip his fingers down Nico's arm, brushing lightly against the inside of his wrist before he takes his hand in his, Jenson's stupid smirk on his face that makes Nico call him a smug bastard but really, there's no heat behind it, just a pointed look at him that's filled with fondness. It's as if Jenson's fingers fit perfectly into the gaps between his own, and it unsettles Nico because this is Jenson slipping under his skin, making his way to his heart and carving out a space there for himself. He has never had anything like this before with Lewis, and the thought of how fleeting this all is burns.

 

See, the difference between Lewis and Jenson is that Jenson actually gives a fuck about Nico, Jenson's _there_ while Lewis never is. And when Nico thinks about it he realises that as the years had gone by, how often had Lewis been there for him? He tries to recall talking to Lewis about his problems but he draws a blank. All he can think of now is him wanting to tell Lewis about how he's going to have to come clean to his parents about their relationship, only to push it all aside when Lewis tells him about his family. He had swallowed the words, shoved them down his throat and now it's starting to choke him with regret. Perhaps he could've said something. Perhaps it would've been better if he hadn't kept his mouth shut. But now he'll never know, because it's too late.

And now, oh, he's got Jenson, who's there to listen and for once he doesn't feel like a needy clingy idiot who should really be paying more attention to everyone else and not to himself. Nico doesn't have to withdraw into himself as he listens like he used to, feeling foolish as Lewis had talked about his problems because what are his problems as compared to Lewis', whose relationship with his parents had been utter crap and work had been horribly stressful for? He's just a student in university in the end, and his shit cannot compare with what Lewis' goes through because at least he's got parents who care. Somewhat. Even if he hasn't exactly spoken to them in months.

The thing about having someone who willingly gives you warmth is that you get far too used to it. Sooner or later, you'll find that you'll never be able to let go because you're hooked, and there's no way you can ever go back to being alone again.

 

It comes every now and then, in between copious amounts of tea and cakes and waking and dreaming and rides on the Tube that Nico thinks that fuck, his life is just one big mess and he doesn't know what he's doing. He pushes it away quickly, tells himself that he's learning to deal with this, there's got to be a way for one relationship to fade away slowly to allow another to come in, from _mezzo piano_ to _piano_ to _pianissimo_ but this isn't music — this is life and Nico's failing at it.

Sometimes when Nico's curled up against Jenson, listening to the steady sound of his heart beating, fingers tracing patterns on the inside of Jenson's wrist, he wonders if this is the closest he might ever get to feeling safe with someone. When they kiss Nico swears there are glittering bursts of stars beneath his eyelids, and there's the giddy rush when Jenson wraps his arms around his waist and pulls him close and presses his lips to his neck that makes him feel like this is infinite; this could never end. And when he's above Jenson in bed, looking down at him, and Jenson looks up at him with tenderness and adoration, Nico feels his heart beating so hard against his ribcage like it's threatening to jump right out and give itself to Jenson right there and then. But at the back of Nico's mind there's always _Lewis Lewis Lewis_ and the murmuring gets louder and louder until it's impossible to ignore.

 

(But oh, maybe this is love: the blanket stretched taut between Nico and Jenson's limbs with sunlight bleeding through the blinds, the scent of English breakfast tea in the morning and grapefruit on Jenson's skin from his shower gel, the flush in Nico's cheeks as he leans up to place a kiss on Jenson's cheek, knowing that smooth skin will become rough with stubble soon enough, the way Jenson sighs against Nico's neck, voice a breathy exhale as he tells him just how much he wants him in graphic detail, how Nico arches up against Jenson, for Jenson, and how his lips fall open as he moans his name, and the list goes on and on and on)

 

'We can't keep doing this forever,' Jenson says. He's lying beside Nico, who's pressed up awkwardly against him even though the bed is big enough for two.

'I know,' Nico says. He licks his lips. Swallows.

'I can't continue hiding this from Lewis.'

'I know,' Nico repeats. There's nothing else he can say.

'Nico-'

'I don't want to-'

'We have to-'

'I can't? God Jenson I just. I can't. I don't know how-'

'I can't make him break up with you.'

Nico looks at Jenson as if he's gone quite mad.

'Unless...'

'Jenson, I-'

'Unless you'd rather go back to him,' Jenson says slowly. 'Then I'll back off.'

'That's not what I meant.' Nico looks away, avoiding Jenson's gaze. 'I'll think of something. Just. Not now.'

 

They don't talk about Lewis again until much later, when Jenson brings it up again. Nico says he'll tell him, and as much as he'd like to say that he wants to salvage what he has with Lewis because he still cares for what they have (or had) together, the truth is all he feels is guilt from having to be the first to break it off. So instead he tries, keeping odd hours and adjusts his thesis writing schedule to fit calls to Lewis but nine out of ten times all he gets is the endless ringing of the phone and nothing more.

Lewis is drifting further and further away, and Nico's just standing there, helpless because there's nothing he can do to pull him back. He's too tired to keep chasing, he feels the weariness in his bones and no matter how fast he runs he'd never be able to catch up because Lewis is too far out. Nico's visit at the start of the year hadn't changed anything. There's nothing Nico can do any more and it's taking its toll on him because this isn't even lying to Lewis because Lewis isn't even there to be lied to. The guilt eats at Nico, threatening to consume him whole.

 

It's been years since Nico has last seen Vivian. Or maybe it hasn't, just a couple of months, nothing more because Nico had returned to Germany for two weeks before he had started on his master's, and he had ran into Vivian at a convenience store near his parents' flat. Today she's sitting across him in a café near Hyde Park and she's as sharply dressed as ever, in a grey pantsuit and a lovely gold necklace. Nico looks down at himself, clad in a plain white t-shirt and black skinny jeans and suddenly he feels out of place next to her.

'You should come back some time,' Vivian says, sipping at her latte. 'Things have changed. Nelson left.'

'Oh?' But Nico isn't surprised. He had always known that Nelson would leave Germany, he couldn't stay anywhere for long, to be honest. Back in high school, the four of them had always been the odd group. Adrian, Vivian, Nico and Nelson. Two Germans, one confused Finnish-German who had, ultimately, decided he was more German than Finnish and the son of a Brazilian millionaire who had been moving from school to school all over Europe. Now Vivian's an up-and-coming interior designer, Adrian's a manager in some multi-national company, Nico's still in London, still studying and god only knows where Nelson is.

'He came back after uni. Stayed for a bit, stuck around, tried to get a job. Then he left again. Said he'd go back to London. Have you seen him?'

'No,' Nico says. 'I haven't heard from him since...' Nico trails off. When Nelson had been in university they had gone out partying almost every other night until Nico had realised that he would crash and burn if he continued, but they had kept in touch. Nico remembers awkward fumbling with Nelson, both of them half-drunk and talking in incoherent sentences and while it had been good, in a way, it had never extended to anything else when they were sober. Then Lewis came along, and Nico had distanced himself from Nelson, determined to remain faithful to his boyfriend. Oh, the irony. 'Since university,' he finishes lamely. The thought of Lewis burns, and he reaches for his tea, trying to push it out of his mind.

'You're still in university,' Vivian says, putting down her latte. She leans in, studying Nico's face, and Nico finds himself shrinking back. A reflex action. 'You haven't changed. But there's something different about you.'

'My German?' Nico supplies. He's been doing translation but that's just on paper. He hasn't spoken in German to anyone for far too long.

Vivian shakes her head. 'No, it's something else.' She pauses, frowning. 'You look happier. Are you still with Lewis?'

'Sorry?'

'You were always so sad with him,' she says. There's something in her eyes that Nico's unable to decipher. Pity? It's close, but that isn't it. Sympathy, perhaps?

'I wasn't,' Nico says defensively. 'I was happy. I _am_ happy.'

Vivian raises an eyebrow and Nico looks down at the table, avoiding her gaze. 'You were, in the beginning. But as time went by you always looked tired. Like you had been stuck with something that had been chipping away at you for too long, but you couldn't leave because you needed it. Adrian noticed it first, when you came back for your exchange, but we thought it was just a long distance relationship thing. It was more obvious the last time you came back.'

Nico bites on the inside of his cheek, listening to her. He thought he had covered his misery well, pushing it deep within himself because he didn't want to burden others with problems about his relationship. Had he failed that badly?

'Did something happen?' she asks, voice gentle. She reaches for Nico's hand, covering it with her own, and Nico swallows hard.

'We're alright,' Nico says. The words feel heavy on his tongue.

Vivian's look is that of disbelief, but she doesn't press further. 'If you say so.' Nico finds himself flinching under her gaze. 'As long as you're happy,' she says, squeezing Nico's hand, then she's pulling back, reaching for her latte again.

'I am,' Nico repeats, but it sounds hollow. Empty.

The words _but not with Lewis_ sits on his tongue. The taste is acrid but Nico swallows them, letting them go unsaid.

 

The days go by, but when Nico's alone, pressed up against the bodies of strangers on the Tube, Nico can't help but think of what Vivian had said.

_You were always so sad with him_.

It's time for him to put an end to everything. He's dragged it out for far too long.

 

'Lewis, we need to talk.'

'Now?'

'Now. If you're not busy.'

'Talk.'

'I. I don't. I.'

There's nothing from Lewis' side, except for a bit of static.

It's now or never.

'I cheated on you with Jenson.'

Silence.

'... Right.'

'Right?'

'Right. I... I need a moment.'

'I-'

'Just.'

'Just?'

Lewis doesn't reply.

'I'm sorry.'

Pause.

'So this is the end,' Lewis says slowly.

'I-'

'Okay.'

'Okay?'

'Yeah. Okay.'

Silence.

'I'm sorry,' Nico says, voice a quiet whisper.

'... Okay. Okay. I just need some time to myself.'

'Right, I-'

'Goodbye.'

'I... Right.' Nico swallows audibly. 'Goodbye.'

 

There's nothing in the fridge except for a couple of cans of Asahi beer. Lewis takes one out, opens it and drinks and it's dry, so unlike what he used to have in London, when he had been out drinking in bars with Nico and Jenson. Not with the both of them together, of course, but just. Whenever. He drinks, taking a big gulp. The taste of Asahi is something he's used to now, and he's come to find that he prefers it to Kirin and Sapporo beer. He looks out of the window, taking in the quiet night outside, thinking of London. It seems so far away now, like it had been an entire lifetime ago. Maybe it _had_ been another life. Lewis drinks some more, and he thinks of Nico and his sad smile from that night before he returned to London and there's a dull throb in his heart. It isn't from heartache though. It's more of a sort of wistfulness for a time long gone. He had already left his old life behind when he left London, he had already put Nico behind him but he hadn't wanted to acknowledge that one of the things still tying him to home in London was over. But now that Nico's breaking up with him it's like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

Lewis had never really felt that way, but spending time apart from Nico made him realise that as time had gone by, their relationship had slowly faded from love and slipped into routine. Kissing one another goodnight, eating dinner together, updating one another about their lives had a comfortable feeling, but there had been nothing more to it. The spark had long faded, but Lewis had been so used to it that he hadn't known how to walk away. Or rather, he hadn't known that he wanted to walk away, not until he had left for Japan. Then there's Jenson, and on one hand Lewis feels bitter and resentful that it had to be him, but on the other hand... After so many years of friendship, it's now time for him to let go.

The can of beer is almost empty by now. Lewis supposes that he's thankful that he didn't have to be the one to initiate the breakup. Because he's only truly free like this. He hadn't cut all ties when he had left. Just that everyone else had cut him loose, so now he's able go forward since he isn't held down any more.

 

Nico packs a small suitcase of things and books a flight out of London. He's done with university, he's finally gotten his master's degree and now it's time for him to get his life back into order and find a proper job instead of bumming around in the flat he shares with Jenson.

_Jenson_. Fuck, it hurts when Nico thinks of him. To be perfectly honest, Jenson's probably the best thing that has ever happened to him but it's not going to work out because when he looks at him, he inadvertently thinks of Lewis and it was never meant to be that way. Yet they blur together and the lines are messy and god, Nico just wants to be happy with Jenson but Lewis' shadow is still holding him back. He can't carry on like this, always thinking of Lewis and drowning in guilt from having cheated on him.

So this is the only way for it to end. That period of his life is now over. It's time to let go. It's time to move on.

 

Nico finds himself at the airport, looking up at the display screens filled with information about departures and arrivals. It's all over now. His relationship with Lewis is gone, and Jenson... After all this, he doesn't think he should go back. It wouldn't be fair. Maybe it's better this way, for him to be away from everyone so he wouldn't be able to hurt anyone again. Maybe it'll be better for him to be alone.

He's got a plane ticket in his hand along with his passport, but he isn't going back home to Germany. He can't go back to his family, not after all this. And to be perfectly honest, going back to Adrian, Vivian or Nelson is out of the question. They've all got their own lives to lead now, and Nico can't find it in himself to work his way into someone's heart again.

People walk past, people embrace, people move on all around Nico. He's the only one standing there, lost, not knowing what to do any more.

 

Jenson stumbles out of the taxi at Heathrow, nearly tripping over his feet as he runs toward the departure hall. He had seen the note Nico had left, saying goodbye, but he's not ready to let this end just like this. He looks around wildly, searching for Nico, but there are blondes all over the place but none of them is the one he's looking for.

He dials Nico's number over and over again, searching frantically, but all he gets is the same reply.

'The number you have dialled is currently unavailable. Please leave a message after the tone.'

'Come back,' Jenson says, voice broken. He can barely hear himself, standing still in the surging crowd and he's unable to move, lost without anywhere to go.

'Nico, don't go. Come back.'


	2. (happy) alternate ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The happy alternate ending at Heathrow where Jenson manages to find Nico.

Jenson stumbles out of the taxi at Heathrow, nearly tripping over his feet as he runs toward the departure hall. He had seen the note Nico had left, saying goodbye, but he's not ready to let this end just like this. He looks around wildly, searching for Nico, but there are blondes all over the place but none of them is the one he's looking for.

'Nico! Nico!'

There's no reply, although a few people turn, staring at him like he's gone quite mad. He ignores the looks he gets, pressing his mobile phone to his ear as he dials Nico's number. It's still the same reply.

'The number you have dialled is currently unavailable. Please leave a message after the tone.'

He's not going to let Nico go. Not like this, after all they've been through.

 

'We are looking for a lost child named Nico Rosberg, with blonde hair and green eyes, wearing a white t-shirt. He was last seen in the departure hall with his passport in his hand. Nico, your brother is waiting for you at the information counter.'

 

'So you're my brother, huh.'

Jenson jumps. He turns, coming face to face with Nico. 'You're here,' he says, mouth dry, unable to believe his eyes. There're five terminals (four actually, since one's under construction) and Jenson had picked one at random and he had actually picked the right one.

'I'm not, you're dreaming,' Nico deadpans. 'Since when did I become a lost child?'

'Since you decided to run away?'

'I wasn't running,' Nico sniffs. 'I just... I just needed to get away for a bit.'

'I thought you were leaving for good,' Jenson says quietly. He shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans, looking at the ground. 'Thought I had lost you forever.'

'I heard your voicemail,' Nico says. 'I wanted to go.'

'But?'

Nico licks his lips. 'A lost child. Really?'

'You're lost, aren't you?' Jenson says. 'Well. If you don't mind, you could find your way back with me.'

'Jenson, I-'

'You don't have to give me an answer now,' Jenson says hastily. His gaze drops to Nico's passport in his hand. 'If you're rushing off for a flight-'

'No,' Nico says, shaking his head. He swallows hard. It's time to move on, but moving on doesn't mean he should run. This is Jenson. Jenson with his stupid smile and stupid jokes, Jenson who's willing to give up the last slice of cake for him, Jenson who rolls over when they're in bed together to pull Nico closer, Jenson who tries to sing Nico to sleep after he's consumed too much caffeine even though really, his singing is awful.

There's still guilt, of course. He had cheated on Lewis and that fact can't be erased. But Lewis isn't a part of his life any more. Lewis wouldn't give a shit if Nico left London, or if he stayed and did another year in university. Lewis had said goodbye and walked right out of his life.

The note had been Nico's final gamble because the truth is, all he had ever wanted was for someone who'd ask him to stay. Not someone like Lewis, who had always been too willing to walk away from everything. And Jenson's here, at the airport, having chased after Nico, willing to wait for his answer.

 _No more running_.

'Let's go home,' Nico says softly.

Jenson's eyes light up and he grins, pulling Nico into a hug. Nico yelps, nearly dropping his things, and Jenson laughs as he pulls away.

'Welcome back, Britney,' Jenson says with a grin. It's familiar and there's that light in his eyes, full of adoration and affection and it fills Nico with warmth.

'I hate you,' Nico says, but there's no heat in his voice. He's smiling and so is Jenson as they fall into step with one another.

**Author's Note:**

> -written for the understeers ficlet challenge round 2, originally posted [here](http://understeers.livejournal.com/14096.html).  
> -thanks to [nessaasalways](http://nessaasalways.livejournal.com), [onyu](http://onyu.livejournal.com), [justangel](http://justangel.livejournal.com), [twowittoowhoo](http://twowittoowhoo.livejournal.com) and [moderncouchpotato](http://moderncouchpotato.tumblr.com) for all your help!  
> 


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